Why I like you
by bedb
Summary: humor..if all the characters came together to discuss why they liked each other.
1. Chapter 1

Why I like you: Jim Kirk

In an effort to build team spirit and respect for one another, Enterprise psychologist Edward Pavloff comes up with the Why I like you video. If everyone could see why they liked the other, then perhaps much of the strife and misunderstanding can be prevented.

McCoy: bravest man I know

Spock: my friend willing to sacrifice himself for the crew

Scotty: Mr Perfect hair

Uhura: Fair and just and understanding

Carol Marcus: Hot buns

(your buns are hot too)

Chekov: always willing to let me do someone else's job even though there are a dozen senior enlisted people present who know ten times more than I do.

(I thought you liked challenges)

Sulu: lets me sit in The Chair.

Khan: he bleeds so easily

Nero : You should see him fly.

Khan: I did. Not too impressed.

(I was as good as you!)

Spock: Mmmhhhhmmmn….we are letting you two participate out of the goodness of our hearts.

Nero: You a have a heart? Could have fooled me.

Pike: brave and reckless but going to be a great man.

(Thank you Dad…sniff sniff)

Admiral Marcus: willing to take risks.

Khan: I thought I killed you.

Admiral Marcus: sequel

Scotty: uh someone needs to stop Khan…he's trying to smash the admiral again.


	2. Chapter 2

Because of Khan's penchant for wanting to squeeze Admiral Marcus' head into pulp, the seats have been rearranged and Khan now sits on the other side of the room with Nero on the outside. Nero has discovered Oreo cookies. Carol Marcus sits between Khan and Scotty. Kirk is on his right followed by Uhuru, Sulu, Chekov, Bones, Pike and Admiral Marcus.

Carol (leaning towards Khan) softly: Is it true you are better at EVERYTHING?

Khan smiles: Yes

Admiral Marcus sees her: Carol! Carol! I forbid you talking to him!

Kirk: Please! This section is why we like Mr. Spock. I like Mr. Spock because he is the most human man I know.

Uhuru: I love Mr. Spock because he is the most sensitive man I know.

(that's my girl)

Sulu: I like Mr. Spock because…well in truth I don't know why I like him (shrugs)

Chekov: I like Mr. Spock most of the time. Sometimes he gets all pushy wanting to tell me what to do.

(groans)

Bones: I like Mr. Spock when he's not agreeing with me. It worries me when we agree.

Pike: I like Mr. Spock when he's not trying to mind fuck people.

(one time I peek into your head and I'm damned for life)

Admiral Marcus: When he's playing poker.

(I don't play poker. You mean chess?)

Nero: When tied up and screaming for mercy

Khan (staring at Carol who is staring at him): I like Mr. Spock's girlfriend. She is brave and fearless, and he could not have captured me without her.

(Not true! Not true!)

Carol Marcus : I like Mr. Spock when he got his panties in a wad over me joining the crew.

(I did not!)

Admiral Marcus: Carol, stop that! Come sit by me.

Scotty: Hey Khan, can I use that line? Think I could pick up girls by telling them I'm better at everything?

Nero (mouth full of cookie): No.

Kirk: Scotty please.

Scotty: All right! All right! I like pointy ears because he always has a confused look on his face.

(I do not!)

Admiral Marcus standing: Carol, come here. Now, young lady! Don't make me come get you.

Pike (shaking his head): You will not catch me on that side of the room for anything.

Kirk: Please admiral, just sit down. Carol stop provoking your father. Carol, I thought you were going to be my girl. Carol?


	3. Chapter 3

Some people are missing, some are sharing Oreos and Romulan ale

Kirk: Mr. Sulu eager enthusiasm is an inspiration to us all.

Bones: I would want to try and bluff him at poker

(damn straight doubting Leonard)

Spock: Most efficient at getting Khan to surrender, but I could have done the same thing had I been on the Enterprise.

Uhura: he does an excellent job at whatever it is he does. I mean it's not like he speaks Klingon or anything.

Chekov: he looks very good in a red shirt, too. Very butch,

Pike: Future starship captain in the making.

(That's what I'm talking about)

Admiral Marcus: He would have fired on Khan, even if his captain isn't. He would have handed Khan over to me. Which reminds me, where's Carol.

Pike: I'm guessing with Khan.

(Nero and Scotty sitting beside each other drinking Romulan ale and Oreo cookies)

Nero: I don't know Sulu (shrugs)

Scotty: Now read the card Khan gave you.

Nero: This one?

Scotty: That's it.

Nero: Khan says he likes Mr. Sulu for his forceful and manly threat.

Scotty (reading another card): Carol Marcus likes Mr. Sulu. Doesn't say why. (checks the back of the card) Nope, that's it. I like Mr. Sulu too.

Kirk (exasperated): Why?

Scotty: If Carol doesn't have to say why, why do I?

Kirk: You're supposed to say why.

Scotty: All right yah ravin' mad man. I like Mr. Sulu because he's not a ravin' mad man."

Kirk: Thank-you. Now do you know where Carol Marcus is?"

Nero: powdering her nose.

Scotty: Aye. Powdering her nose.

Nero: Khan's also powdering his nose, I think.

Admiral Marcus: This is your fault, Kirk. I blame it all on you. If you had only listened to me when I said hand him over. Or better yet blew the shit out of him when I told you to.

Pike: Aren't you afraid he'll hear you.

Marcus: I'm in the sequel.

Kirk: So's he.


	4. Chapter 4

Why I like you Khan.

Special Guest appearance by Capt. Harry Mudd, sitting in for Khan who hasn't returned yet with Dr. Carol Marcus. Harry, Nero and Scotty are sitting on one side of Kirk, everyone else on the other. Carol, looking every so happily disheveled shows up and sits by Scotty.

Scotty: Finish powdering your nose, love?

Carol (breathlessly): uh…for the moment

Harry (kisses her hand): enchante damoselle.

Scotty: Harry, Carol. Carol, Harry.

Admiral Marcus: Carol, don't tell me…!

Carol: Ok, I won't.

Kirk: (stunned but finding her really hot in a "I just got fucked" way) Well I like …uh…Khan's ability to bring the dead back to life.

Spock: I like his ability to single handedly take out a Klingon battalion.

Uhura: I love his assortment of coats. Stylish in a very masculine way. And his voice is so….so….sexy.

Spock: Sexy?

Uhura: His voice is….not saying he is. I mean who could possible find him sexier than you?

Bones: I like the fact that when we put up a piece of cheap Plexiglas to keep him in his cell, he didn't tear it down and kill all of us.

Chekov: I like the fact he doesn't keep pets. Just saying….mad men should not keep pets.

Sulu: I like the fact he missed the Enterprise when he got his hard on for Starfleet. (Carol makes a whimpering sound)

Adm. Marcus: Carol! I forbid you to make that noise.

Pike: I like the fact he doesn't need a computer to shoot the shit out of everyone.

Kirk: I've been practicing.

Adm. Marcus: I like the fact that one day I am going to kill him, and there won't be a sequel.

Nero: I like the fact he took out a Klingon battalion all by himself. And he's fucking the admiral's daughter.

Harry Mudd: I like Khan's extensive history of 20th century arms deals. And if Khan doesn't come back, I will gladly step into his shoes.

Scotty (to Harry): Seriously? You think you can do this? (looks at Carol)

Harry Mudd: I will do my best.

Scotty: You really are delusional. I like Khan when he took out the crew of the Vengeance. Sorry about that sneak attack, but it was this ravin mad bastard who told me to do it.

Carol: baby oil.

Scotty: What was that, love?

Carol: Khan, baby oil. It's true…..everything. (she jumps up and runs away)

Uhura: I'll go get her! (runs after her)

Pike: You want to bet we lose both of them?

Kirk: Carol?


	5. Chapter 5

Normally I don't explain anything, too lazy I suppose, but there was some confusion mentioned, so I will try to cover some of what I think might be confusing. Sassiebone suggested the appearance of Harry Mudd, a funny villain who appeared twice on the old series. Where Khan is a sexy villain, Harry Mudd isn't. Chekov's remark about not keeping pets is a spoof at Ricardo/Khan's little pets on Alpha Ceti V in Wrath of….

Why I Like You McCoy

(Kirk in a fit of rage is trying to strangle Khan who has finally returned with the missing women. Khan is not defending himself, although Scotty and McCoy are trying to pull Kirk off Khan.)

McCoy: Jim, the cameras are on! Jim!

(Kirk stops and looks around at camera with deer in headlights look on his face)

Scotty: Not to mention you are scaring the irl-gays. (Carol and Uhura are clearly disturbed by Kirk's show of violence against Khan who isn't even trying to defend himself)

Kirk (letting smirking Khan go): I'm OK. I'm OK (sitting in his chair.)

(Mudd gives Khan back his chair but pulls up another so he can stay. Nero has eaten all the Oreos and is now chowing down on popcorn. Offers Khan some…accepted)

Scotty: Well, that was fun (helps self to popcorn…offers Khan some Romulan ale)

Kirk (getting his anger under control…not): I like Dr. McCoy because he's one of my best friends and is a hell of a lot smarter than he looks. I mean who would have thought of injecting Khan's blood into a dead tribble? I mean seriously! (Starts to get up and attack Khan again…Spock pulls him back into his chair)

Spock: Captain! Please!

Kirk (gritting his teeth): You think he only….did….Carol? Really?

(Spock looks at Uhura. She is not saying anything or even looking at him)

Spock: We will discuss this later. As for Dr. McCoy, I enjoy his corn fed bullshit and nonsensical hokum that half the time I don't understand.

Chekov: Uh…I like Dr. McCoy's nurses. Some real hot ladies.

Sulu: I like the fact Dr. McCoy respects my ability to assume command and demand respect from our enemies.

Uhura: I like Dr. McCoy's bedside manners.

Pike: I always found McCoy a little odd but harmless. Good doctor if he figured out how to bring Kirk back from the dead.

Adm. Marcus (Under his breath): If we sneak up on him we can all stab him to death before he knows it.

Pike: I'm pretty sure we won't be sneaking up on him. Why do you like McCoy?

Adm. Marcus: I don't like McCoy. Oh? Yes. I like the fact that McCoy…no….I don't like him.

Harry Mudd: I appreciate Dr. McCoy's brilliant taste in expensive things, including beautiful women which I just happen to have off camera on stage 3.

Khan (very casual almost too smooth): I like the way Dr. McCoy strapped me down and forced me to give blood to save his friend with no regards to the sanctity of my body.

Nero: I like his bag of magic bones. Oh, ex-wife sends her affections and wants to know when the next alimony check is coming in.

(How do you know my ex-wife? I knew that bitch was a demon from hell. This just proves it!)

Carol: I like his bravery and willingness to let me be saved when the torpedo clamped down on his arm.

Khan (to her): All you had to do was ask me how to release it. I would have told you.

Scotty: I like Dr. McCoy when he's been on a bender. The rest of the time he's a bloody nuisance.

Adm. Marcus: He's not looking. Let's do it now.


	6. Chapter 6

Nero Speaks: Everyone one you remembers that in Into Darkness Old Fart Spock tells Young Fart Spock that Khan is the most dangerous man he will ever encounter. I want to tell you that is all BS. I destroyed Vulcan and he thinks Khan is the bad ass? Seriously? Oh wait, what planet was that I destroyed? Vulcan. It doesn't exist anymore, auf Weidersehen, bye bye, nada, no more.

Khan: I blew up Praxis.

Nero: A moon. I blew up a planet full of Vulcans. How many Klingons did you blow up? A planet's worth? Noooooooo.

Khan: I designed the Vengeance.

Nero: I had my own war ship. And I blew up Vulcan!

Khan: I took out San Francisco.

Nero: But you missed Star Fleet. The only reason why I think they picked you over me is because Spock is gay.

Spock: Uh…how…I mean….it's not canon.

Khan: I killed both Spock and Kirk….sort of.

Nero (smugly): He likes your butt.

Khan: No.

Nero: Yes he does. How many fanfic videos have you seen that focus on your butt?

Spock: It is a nice butt.

Khan: I took out an entire Klingon detail. I crushed Admiral Marcus' head.

Nero (even more smugly): Its your butt. And if I had been successful, Earth would have been my next target. I mean I came back in time. You were a thawed out popsickle. I demand a retraction from Old Fart Spock.

Kirk: he's not here.

Nero: Well you better get one or else I'll…..

Kirk: What? We destroyed you too.

Nero: Point taken.

Uhura to Spock: That explains the dry kisses. (storms off)

Nero (to Khan): Don't bend over….and ask yourself this…who was guarding you when you took your shower? Hhmmmm?

Kirk: Can we continue with Why I like you?

Nero: I know why Spock likes Khan.

Carol Marcus: Everyone likes Khan.

Admiral Marcus: I don't. Come on Pike, we can take him now.


	7. Chapter 7

Kirk: best engineer in the fleet

Spock: excellent officer when not letting his emotions get the better of him

(Like you don't get your knickers in a wad once in a while)

McCoy: I'm just an old country doctor, what do I know about engineering?

(You know me you hack!)

Uhura: Scotty is sweet and charming and makes me laugh

(Just a shit load of giggles)

Chekov: Has the best trained crew in Starfleet completely capable of running the department without him or me

Sulu: I am completely impressed at the way he board and disabled the Vengeance. That took courage.

Pike: Proud to have made his acquaintance

Admiral Marcus: You only stunned him! You could have killed him and you only stunned him?! Why the hell didn't you kill him? (Pike looks at him) Of course I don't like him!

Mudd: Who is that man babbling down here?

Nero: Admiral Marcus

Mudd: Why?

Nero: Khan killed him in one movie and is doing a photo shoot with Carol for GQ in another

Khan (bored) Why do you like Scotty?

Nero: You will have to get back to me on that one

(We both like Romulan ale)

Nero: We both like Romulan ale.

Khan: I like that Mr. Scott is an excellent shot at close range when threatened by a naked back.

(the mad bastard told me to do it!)

Khan: he follows orders well.

Carol: Mr Scott is my favorite work out partner and makes me laugh so hard I cry

(you know I have often wondered why you wanted to work out with me and not the boys. Why? Feel safer with me than say Jim or John?)

Mudd: May I say Mr. Scott has an excellent eye…

(Not interested)


	8. Chapter 8

To speed things along because Capt. Nero is seeking the floor again, it has been decided that Mr. Chekov is a wonderful human being full of promise, who is still too young to purchase anything from Harry Mudd.

Nero sets up a chart full of 3X5 cards, photos and red string joining photos to one another.

Nero: As you can see I have divided the chart into three sections: RicardoKhan, me and you (points to Khan)

Khan (arms folded across his chest): why?

Nero: Because I intend to show once and for all that I AM Khan.

Adm. Marcus: He's insane

Pike: he certainly has issues.

Nero: Let us begin. RicardoKhan is the man by which all others are measured, correct? (shrugs and murmurs) So he has a wife…..I have a wife…..you? nyeh! She gets killed when Alpha Ceti VI blows up…mine gets killed when Romulus blows up….you? nyeh!

Scotty: I do see a pattern (Khan looks at Scotty) It's plaid with gold trim, quite lovely.

Nero: RicardoKhan has a bug, I have bug, do you have a bug? Nnnnoooooooooo. RicardoKhan blames Kirk for his wife's death, I blame Spock for my wife's death, you blame Admiral Marcus for killing your crew only they ain't dead.

Khan: My crew is my family and he used them to control me.

Nero: Boohoo tell me another one. We get it, Marcus is an ass. Shall I continue? RicardoKhan had an insanely loyal crew, I had an insanely loyal crew, yours is asleep. RicardoKhan died when his ship blew up when the Genesis device went off, I died when the red matter created a black hole, your fan base would have rioted if you got killed so they put you back to sleep for possible resurrection if the ratings drop off too much.

Harry Mudd: I can see that happening.

Khan and Nero: Oh Shut up!

Nero: Let us consider our handling of women. RicardoKhan wakes up, does some yoga and seduces Marla McGivers… a true man to be admired who had his priorities straight. I had a dear and lovely wife who was about to give birth…you could say I had my priorities straight as well. You? Come on, one woman in the film anywhere near you and you break her leg. Is that what they taught you in how to pick up women and get laid class?

Khan: I pulled my kick and did not break her leg.

Nero: I bet that turned her on. In spite of her current condition I would say you are not the romantic type.

Khan: Allow me to interject. Both RicardoKhan's Kirk and my Spock yelled Khan. Yours did not yell Nero.

Nero: Too many syllables.

Kirk: So if you are Khan, who is he?

Nero: Best as I can tell, Michael Anasara.

(Pike and Marcus look at each other)

Pike: You woke him up when you could have awakened HER?

Adm. Marcus: I didn't know he was Anasara.

(Both men get up and start to ease away. )

Kirk: Admirals, where are you going?

Pike: Uh, we need to go check on something, we'll be back. Promise.

(Later in a special chamber where cryogenically frozen people are being kept, Pike and Marcus are desperately looking inside all the glass faced chambers for HER. Pike stops and stares at one face)

Marcus: Is it her?

Pike: No, just some guy named Hagman

Marcus: Barbara's got to be here somewhere. Keep looking.


End file.
